![]() We don't all consume psychedelic mushrooms and fly so close to the sun. We will all die one day, so, as it is a universal, shared experience along with birth, eating, drinking, breathing, etc., I imagine it cannot be as bad as this very individual, unique horror that I've fallen into. I plan on ending my life soon because this is not life and it is unbearable in a way that I never thought would be possible for a human to experience. All of these things happened in one instant when that "switch" flipped in my mind during the trip. It feels like I am buried alive in a coffin of reality itself constantly shifting between trying to lay still with a blank mind and screaming in pure madness to be set free. Times of the day don't feel like anything or seem differentiated in any way. The passage of time feels completely different. Seeing any aspects of "normal life" like people enjoying a weekend, going out to eat, watching a movie sends me into horrific greif, as if I'm in infinite mourning for my own lack of existence. It feels like I am a ghost with all connections to my previous life severed. I don't even know how to describe it because it is unlike anything else that I've experienced in my life. I'm 36 and now my parents have to take care of me because I have no desire to exist anymore at a visceral level. Since day one, I suddenly wanted to die more than anything despite never having a suicidal or depressive thought in my life. ![]() Everywhere just felt like a horrible dream and I would cry uncontrollably at the feeling of not being to experience any aspect of life the same as normal or with any joy or comfort. We tried just driving and visting random places. Me and my mom drove around the east coast for a month staying in different hotels because I couldn't sleep in my own home (the trip took place elsewhere) and was panicing all night long with no sleep. I tried forcing myself to workout and do normal things in the beginning, but it made no difference. I am unable to work, I lay on the couch 24 hours a day in horror and never leave the house. Now reality is constant terror, crying and screaming everyday, no ability to have any connection to the things I once enjoyed. Before this, I had no mental health issues, I loved life, worked as guitar teacher, exercised everyday, loved nature. I've seen multiple doctors, have tried antidepressants, anti psychotics, ect, ketamine therapy, even a shaman to do some sort of "healing". Panic attacks and night terrors followed, everything feels like a dream. In one second, it felt like I was seperated from reality, unable to enjoy anything, feel any comfort, feel like a human being in any sense. I got up and after a few minutes, I felt this horror wash over me, like a switch flipping in my mind. With no control over what I was saying, I yelled "I am a logical being", then immediately collapesed to the group in some sort of seizure. It sent me into a psychotic break, walking around screaming "wake up" and being entirely sure we were living in a virtual reality simulation. The trip was not "challenging" or showing me things I had to deal with in my life. I would have never done this if I had any clue it could ever lead to what has followed. I was curious in exploring consciousness and seeing what it gave me access to. ![]() ![]() ![]() This was a 9g dose, after working up with lower doseages and never having any issues. However, my last mushroom trip 11 months ago has completely ruined my life. To begin, I had a couple amazing and interesting experiences with psychedelics (a Kundalini-type awakening) and I always returned fully back to normal. I've posted here before with pieces of my story, but I figured I'd share again with this post to let others know they aren't alone if they've experienced anything like this. ![]()
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